This is a transcript for Saloonatics.


(The regular intro plays, but this time it's followed up by a Western-themed opening. After the intro, the camera transitions into Edd, Matt, and Tom running through the rain.)
Tom: Urgh, we need to get out of the rain!
Edd: Let's hide in the museum!
Matt: How do you know it won't follow us inside?
Edd: Er... water hates learning!
(The three rush into the museum and slam the door behind them.)
Matt: Edd, the water followed us inside! You lied to me!
(Tom shakes his head to dry his hair while Edd walks away to look around. As he walks, he looks around at the exhibits curiously. His walking stops when he sees a statue of Edward Gold that catches his eye excitedly. He looks down at the diary Edward wrote. He blows the dust off of it and looks at it.)
Edd: Woah... The diary of Edward Gold...
(Edd looks over to see Tom has locked Matt in a metal cage while he drinks a bottle of liquor.)
Matt: Tom! Get me out of here!
Tom: Nah.
(Edd begins to read the diary.)
Edd (narrating): The year was 18-
(Edd's narration is briefly interrupted by a horse neighing.)
Edd (narrating): -and I just arrived in the town of Spitbucket, USA on a very important mission.
Edward: Pardon me, sir-
Cowboy ("Ass Man"): You lookin' at my ass, boy?
Edward: Excuse me?
(Edward's face briefly becomes red until he looks down with a solemn expression.)
Edward: Um...
Cowboy ("Ass Man"): Well, YOU CAN'T HAVE HER! Hahaha!
(The Ass Man runs away on a donkey, leaving Edward to cough in dust.)
Edd (narrating): I decided that the old saloon would be a good place to start.
Edward: This old saloon looks like a good place to start!
(Edward opens the door to the saloon. He walks over to the bartender.)
Barkeep: What'll it be?
Edward: I'll have a bear, please!
(A bear is placed on the counter and it roars at Edward. He screams in fear. The scene briefly cuts to Edd, who looks at the diary in confusion.)
Edd: A bear? ...Oh!
(The scene cuts back to Edward in the saloon.)
Edward: I'll have a beer, please.
(Todd puts a mug of beer on the counter almost instantly.)
Edward: Much better.
(Edward takes a sip of the beer.)
Edward: The name's Gold, Detective Edward Gold. I'm here looking for a member of the British Royal Family.
(Edward puts a picture of Prince Matthew on the counter.)
Edward: He's gone missing, you see.
(The camera moves to show that Sheriff Thompson is leaning against the wall on the other side of the room.)
Sheriff Thompson: Was he nailed to the floor?
Edward: Umm.. No?
(Sheriff Thompson walks over to Edward.)
Sheriff Thompson: Then he was taken by bandits.
(Sheriff Thompson takes a sip of liquor.)
Edward: How do you know?
Sheriff Thompson: Anything that ain't nailed down gets taken by bandits around here.
(The scene cuts to the "Ass Man", who is on one knee grieving the loss of his donkey.)
Cowboy ("Ass Man"): My ass! They stole my beautiful ass!
(The scene cuts back to Edward and Sheriff Thompson.)
Edward: Oh.. Have you told the sheriff?
Sheriff Thompson: I am the sheriff.
Edward: Ah, Sheriff Thompson! I was told you'd be willing to help me.
Sheriff Thompson: Sorry kid, but you ain't gettin' your friend back.
Edward: Why?
Sheriff Thompson: This town's got enough problems as it is. I ain't got time to deal with yours.
Edward: Wait! What if I helped you clean up this town?
Sheriff Thompson: I don't need your help!
(A citizen bursts into the saloon in a panic.)
Citizen: Sheriff! Sheriff! The bandits stole all the nails!
Sheriff Thompson: Oh, I knew I should have nailed down those nails. They all called me crazy, but look what happens.
(Edward gives the sheriff an excited look.)
Sheriff Thompson: Fine.
Edward: Yay!
(The camera cuts to a black and white title card which says "MEANWHILE". After the title card, the scene cuts to the bandit's hideout, where they are laughing to themselves. Marco is hammering a wood plank onto the window.)
Eduardo: Man, I love being a bandit!
Marco: Si, amigo.
Eduardo: ...what?
(Prince Matthew is seen scrambling in a metal cage.)
Prince Matthew: Excuse me, chaps! But would you rapscallions be kind enough to set me free?
Eduardo: No way! We're gonna ransom you off and make thousands!
Marco: Si, muchos pesos!
Eduardo: Seriously, what's wrong with you? Keep an eye on our price, Juan!
(Juan looks over from a staring contest with a horse.)
Juan: What's it like being a prince?
Prince Matthew: Oh, it's marvelous! Ladies love a prince.
Juan: I like ladies! I wished they liked me...
(Prince Matthew notices the keys hanging on Juan's jeans. He thinks of an idea to steal them.)
Prince Matthew: Hey! I'll teach you how to be a prince!
Juan: Really?!
Prince Matthew: Indubitably.
(The scene cuts back to Edward and Sheriff Thompson.)
Sheriff Thompson: Step one, if you're gonna clean up this town, you're gonna need one of these.
(Sheriff Thompson hands Edward a gun, who takes it amd points it.)
Sheriff Thompson: Woah, woah, woah! You can't fire your gun without giving it a name first!
Edward: Oh. I shall call him... Brian.
Sheriff Thompson: What!? No! You can't call it a man's name!
Edward: Why? What's yours called?
(Sheriff Thompson pulls out his gun and has a sip of liquor.)
Sheriff Thompson: Gun.
(Sheriff Thompson shoots the gun at three empty glass bottles, breaking them successfully.)
Edward: You drink before you shoot?
Sheriff Thompson: Everybody needs a little something.
(Edward points his gun. He shoots at the bottles, missing them and shooting into the distance. He frowns at his results.)
Sheriff Thompson: Wow...
(Just as the echo of the bullets stop, a person yells in the distance, causing Edward and Sheriff Thompson to become startled.)
Edward: (nervous laugh)
(Another panicked citizen appears in search of help.)
Citizen: Help! The bank's being robbed!
(The scene cuts to a group of robbers pointing guns at the bank.)
Robber: Give us your money, bank!
Female Robber: Don't you sass me!
(The female robber punches the bank. The scene cuts to Edward and Sheriff Thompson.)
Edward: Alright, Sheriff, Brian and I are going to clean up this town and when we're done you'll have no choice but to help us rescue the prince. Let's do this.
(Edward walks into the bank looking as intimidating as possible.)
Edward: Okay, you bandits-OOH!
(The bandits fire their guns at Edward. He ducks for cover but at the loss of his hat. A montage then begins of Edward "helping" to stop crime around the town. The first scene shows a robber stealing a woman's baby while the woman chases him. Edward follows behind carrying a lasso, ready to throw. He throws the lasso and pulls it back to find that he caught the now angry woman instead of the robber. The next scene shows a group of gamblers playing cards. One of them pulls out a gun and points it towards everyone. Edward rushes into the door and points confidently. Everyone looks over at him, and the shooter fires at Edward, causing him to flee in fear. After that, the scene changes to a girl who is tied up to a railroad with a train just a little distance away. Edward pulls the lever to stop the train, ending up successful just before it could run her over. Just as Edward wipes his forehead, another train rushes in, killing the girl and destroying the other train. Next, Edward finds a wanted poster and examines it. Without unfolding the paper, he assumes that a passerby is the criminal and initiates a fight with him. Sheriff Thompson picks him up and shows him that the criminal actually has a beard, unlike the innocent passerby Edward beat up. The final scene shows a young girl whose dog is stuck in the tree, in which both are scared. Just as Edward is about to help them, Sheriff Thompson stops him. The girl and her dog both put on bandanas and point their guns. Sheriff Thompson and Edward both duck as the duo shoots at them. After the montage, the scene cuts to Prince Matthew and Juan. Juan is balancing a large stack of items on his head.)
Prince Matthew: And to be a proper prince, you need proper posture.
Juan: My back's hurting!
Prince Matthew: Don't worry. It gets easier the longer... you... stay... still-
(Prince Matthew tries to reach for Juan's keys, just barely missing them. The stack of items Juan was balancing collapses.)
Juan: You're right, it does get easier!
(The scene cuts back to Edward and Sheriff Thompson in the saloon. Edward is moping about his previous failures.)
Edward: (Sighs) I'm a miserable failure...
Sheriff Thompson: Yeah, you are.
Edward: I've failed my mission...
Sheriff Thompson: Yeah, you did.
Edward: I could use some words of encouragement!
Sheriff Thompson: Yeah, you could.
Edd: (Sighs) We never get crime like this in England.
(The scene cuts to a man on a horse and a woman in Britain.)
British Woman: No, I will not allow it.
British Man: Oh, go on.
British WomanYou may not kidnap me.
British Man: Please?
British Woman: No, I shall not do as you ask, you fiendish man.
British Man: Oh, shut up woman! Get on my horse!
(The scene cuts back to Sheriff Thompson and Edward in the bar.)
Sheriff Thompson: I'm sorry, son, but as you can see I'm far too bust with this hellhole to help you rescue your prince charming.
Edward: (Sighs)
Sheriff Thompson: Barkeep, get this man a whiskey.
Barkeep: Sorry, Sheriff. The bandits took all the whiskey.
Sheriff Thompson: Nooooooooooo!
(Sheriff Thompson sits in the corner.)
Edward: What do you have?
Barkeep: New drink, just came in. They're calling it 'Co-La'. Sounds fancy.
Sheriff Thompson: Is it alcoholic?
Barkeep: No.
Sheriff Thompson: I hate it.
(Edward opens the bottle of cola.)
Edward: Well, uh, couldn't hurt to try.
(Edward takes a sip of the cola. He looks at it, then begins to melt. He falls to the ground. Sheriff Thompson walks over.)
Sheriff Thompson: So, how is it?
(Edward rises back up from the ground and bolts out of the saloon. Another montage begins of Edward fixing his mistakes. The first mistake he fixes is the robbery, which he ties up the bandits in rope and a huge money bag. Next is the gambler, who Edward steals his gun from. After that is the baby thief, who he catches with a lasso, along with the baby. Following that is the train girl, who he turns into a zombie and puts up a sign saying "Caution! TRAIN!". He puts all town bandits in a jail cell, makes an old lady a nicer house, turns a banjo player into a rockstar, upgrades two travelling girls from a wagon to a car, and eventually falls over from energy exhaustion. He wakes up to see Sheriff Thompson above him.)
Edward: What happened?
Sheriff Thompson: Welp, you cleaned up the whole town. And a promise is a promise is a promise.. Is a promise. Let's go get your prince.
(The scene cuts to Prince Matthew in his cell. Juan is now dressed as a prince.)
Prince Matthew: Hmmm...
Juan: How do I look?
Prince Matthew: Like a prince! Well.. Almost.
Juan: Awww! What's wrong?
Prince Matthew: There's something not quite right.. Aha! It's those old rusty keys! A prince wouldn't carry those filthy things around, no no no. I know, why don't I hold those for you?
Juan: Oh, okay!
(Just before Juan can give Prince Matthew the keys, Eduardo shouts for Juan's assistance. Juan puts his bandana back on and runs to help.)
Eduardo: Hey! It's the sheriff! Juan, get over here!
(Matt becomes so furious that he punches open the jail cell he's trapped in)
Sheriff Thompson: Boys, we're putting a stop to your thieving.
Eduardo: Yeah? You and what army?
Sheriff Thompson: This one.
(Sheriff Thompson points to Edward, who looks ready for battle.)
Edward: Okay, you bandits-
(The bandits begin to shoot at Edward. Prince Matthew walks out to realize that he is also being shot at.)
Prince Matthew: Ah! Not one's face!
(Sheriff Thompson grabs him to safety.)
Eduardo: Give it up, losers!
Marco: Even a dead man has more to hope for." (in Spanish)
Eduardo: I literally have no idea what you're saying, like all of the time.
Edward: And how exactly was this a good idea?!
Sheriff Thompson: I have a plan!
Edward: Well, what is it?!
Sheriff Thompson: Drink!
(Sheriff Thompson throws Edward a bottle of cola.)
Edward: This is a terrible plan!
Sheriff Thompson: Everybody needs a little something.
(Edd drinks the cola. He begins to melt again but regains his power. He loads his gun and aims at the bandits. He shoots Eduardo in the knee while the others take cover.)
Eduardo: Ahh! My knee! My second favorite knee!
(The bandits are now in a jail cell.)
Juan: You can't do this to me, I'm a prince!
(Eduardo slaps Juan in the back of the head.)
Eduardo: Shut up!
Marco: Si.
(The scene cuts to Prince Matthew, who is talking to two women.)
Prince Matthew: And that's when I fought them all off single handedly.
(The two girls laugh.)
Edward: Well Sheriff, if you ever do decide to come to England, you'll always be welcome in my home.
Sheriff Thompson: Heh, thanks. But I don't see that happening anytime soon.
Cowboy ("Ass Man"): My ass! Sheriff! Have you seen my ass?
(Edward and Sheriff Thompson look at each other startled.)
Sheriff Thompson/Edd: On second thought, maybe England doesn't sound like such a bad idea. Huh.
(The scene is now in the present. Edd closes the diary.)
Tom: Edd?
(Edd turns around and gasps to see Tom in Sheriff Thompson's clothing.)
Edd: Sheriff Thompson?!
Tom: What? No. I just needed some dry clothes.
(Edd turns around to see that the clothes on Sheriff Thompson's statue is now gone.)
Matt: Hey, the rain stopped! Can we go home before it comes back for revenge?
(Edd turns around once again and grabs the cola in Edward's pocket. He looks at it and pops it open.)
Edd: Everybody needs a little something.
(Edd drinks the bottle of cola. The scene cuts to Edd vomiting in the bathroom.)
(Edd continues to vomit as the screen goes black. The credits roll.)

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