Hammer & Fail/Transcript

Part 1
[Singing] "This is the opening tune"

(Opening Credits)

So, sleep well last night?

Am nam nam nam nam nam nam

Uh...that a yes?

Guys! Look what I found.

I can't believe someone was about to throw this away.

Uh...What is it?

I think it might be an antique.

I think it might be a tie rack.

It looks valuable.

It looks like junk.

I can't wait to...

Well, whatever it is, it can go in your room with the rest of your rubbish.

Stupid to ask you and Tom. Never like anything cool I find.

It was better being ruler of everything. It was awesome.

Oh no!

KARMA!

Huh. Looks like we need more space around here.

Well, I guess the only logical option is to add an extra floor on the house.

Sure, we could like, hire some builders, and then...

You do realize none of us have ever-

No wait! What are you doing with that hammer?

All right. So I have some vague blueprints here.

Ehh, looks like we have everything we need except nails.

Uh...Matt, could you go and get some nails from the store?

Matt?

Matt!

Alright, alright, I'm going.

Well, well, well.

Eduardo.

(Dramatic Music)

What are you losers doing now?

Well, if you must know

We're building an extension to our house.

Phht. We did that last week.

Didn't we, Mark?

Took us, what, couple of hours?

It's probably what inspired you to do it.

Uh...actually it's because Matt had too much sh...

Anyway, we'd love to stay and watch you guys fail, but, uh...

We got better things to do.

We do?

Oh! Oh yeah! Real better things.

You lowlife garbage. You're such an idiot. Never liked you...

Hey! What did our Neigh-BORES want?

Eh...It's just poking fun again.

Ugh. It's been hell since they've moved in.

Yeah, I've got a delivery here for Mister Edd, for

Uh, eight kegs of diet coke.

Can you sign here, buddy?

Diet Coke?! W-w-wait a minute. There must be some kind of mistake here.

I ordered-

Regular coke?!

And ever since then, it's just been...

No, Tom! Put down that drill!

Now to find the thing I've completely forgotten.

Matt I need you to take this money and buy ANYTHING THAT ISN'T NAILS!

Also, Matt, you are incredible!

Parade for Matt!

Yaaaay!

Oh, and uh, make sure not to forget nai-

Ah, good. Matt's back.

Uh...Matt, did you get the...

Matt, where are the nails?

Oh yeah, they were...out of nails.

Or...something...

Fine *sigh* looks like we'll just have to make do of this stuff for now.

Okay, so, what's next on the list?

Um...

Obligatory building montage.


 * Sigh* I'll get the music.

(The Music)

Looks like it's finished.

Uh...yeah...

Well, if I have to give a bit of constructive criticism

Well, it'd probably be that

This is the best thing ever created by ANYONE EVER!

Well, it's certainly an improvement.

Nice roof you got there.

Really?

NO! *Laughing*

Right. That's it.

Hello, uh, Insta-roof?

Yeah, yeah, um. We're at 27 Durdam lane.

Five seconds?

Yeah, that's- that's per-

Well, it's a good job we already put those stairs in or Matt would have...

been...crushed...

Ah.

So, uh, everyone up for moving Matt and his junk into the attic?


 * Incoherent Mumbling*

Sounded like a yes to me.

Definitely a yes.

Well, I guess it's time to call it a night.

(Evil Growl)

What was that?

Edd, is- is that you?

(Deep Gravely Voice Breathing Heavily)

Ahh! Not the face!

Oh God, someone please help me!

(High Pitched Shriek)

Ugh. I thought I was done with this when I left my parents' house.

(Closing Credits)

Part 2
I did not want to do this. (Tom)

(Music)

Looks like we need more space around here.

Well, I guess the only logical option is

to add an extra floor on the house.

Eduardo...

What are you losers doing now?

Why did you leave?

WHY?!

Ahhh! Not the face!

(Hardcore Intro Music)

So...uh, sleep well last night?

Ugh. No. Matt kept me up all night.

What do you mean?

Augh. He just kept screaming, crying, begging for help,

his things breaking, the evil laughter, sobbing, his tv keeps turning on and off,  his window opening, and suddenly enigmatic gusts of wind are coming through.

You know, that sort of thing.

What's wrong with him?

What do I look like, his friend?

Maybe we should go and see what's happening up there.

(Ominous music)

Hey chums! How is everyone this fine morning?

Wow Matt, this place is actually clean.

Indeed. I thought I might as well tidy up a tad.

I'm surprised you found the time in your busy self-worship schedule.

Yes well, I thought it was time to unclutter

my life and become less vain and narcissistic.

I'm impressed. Being tidy, not caring about your looks.

Using words with more than two syllables.

Ha ha. Yeah.

Who are you and what

have you done with the real Matt?

(Edd continues laughing)

Oh.

(Explosion)

(Evil Laughter)

After centuries of waiting, I can finally take over the world.

I will level mountains, destroy monuments, enslave ent-

But I like monuments.

What?

I don't want to destroy monuments.

I Don't Care.

You can't do-

Silence Mortal.

The world will tremble at my feet.

Not if I have anything to say about it.

Well you don't.

Why not?

Because I'm controlling your body.

I hate you. You threw away my milk.

The milk was expired.

You're expired.

How dare you.

You know what? Bugger this.

(Ethereal Notes)

Guys, I think our house might- MIGHT...

Be a little possessed.

Or nothing. Maybe- maybe it's nothing.

And the last horse crosses the finishing line.

Can we still get in?

I don't see why not, we just open the and-

Oh! Now I'm going backwards.

Well, I hate to say it, but we, uh, we could ask-

Eduardo...

for help.

Oh, but those guys suck! They'll never help us.

I think there's a good chance, just

as long as we're really really subtle.

(Door bell version of Eduardo theme)

Um, pardon me neighbor. What a lovely day.

Could we, perchance, borrow a cup of your finest sugar?

Oh god! You gotta help us! Our house is

haunted and with a guy who wants to destroy monuments!

Does anyone have any spare trousers?

Jon, Mark, come check these douche bags out.

Yeah. It appears we might have a very slight, teeny tiny...

spirit infestation.

(Intensely Creepy Music)

Ah, looks as stupid as always to me.

Ghosts? Spirits?

Sounds like you bozos have been watching too many-

(Intensely Creepy Music)

(ROAR)

Oh lordy! The ghost has transformed our extension into pure cardboar...

We'll help you guys.

WHAT?! You're crazy!

How could you not like ice cream?

Ice cream is delicious.

Too cold. It hurts my teeth.

Wait, when did we start talking about this?

Anyway, as for the ghost thing,

That sounds about right. Didn't you get spirit insurance?

Damn it, past Edd!

Hello, uh, Insta-roof?

Yeah, yeah, um.

(Annoyed Sigh)

People need to start reading the ad.

Caution: Rooms may contain ghosts, spirits, poltergeists, or rabid ferrets?

Yeah, our factory's between a cemetery and a vet.

(Snarling and screaming in background)

It's not ideal.

So there's nothing you can do?

Not unless you got that insurance.

Sorry fellas.

You know what? This store's a load of bull-

FERRET- (Screaming)

So, any luck with the psychic?

She said haunted houses were stupid and that you guys were stupid.

I thought she said we were stupid.

I'm gonna punch you in the face.

So, what do we do now?

The only thing we can do.

Wreck everything in the house.

Move really really far away.

What?

What?

I don't know. Matt kind of has a point.

I mean, uh, it cleaned everything in

his room. Maybe it just hates mess.

Oh, right, yeah! That's...that's what I meant.

Cause of the ghost.

I- I didn't forget.

You guys are so lame. Like we want to spend

all afternoon watching you destroy your earthly cherished possessio-

Yeah...

Someone pass the soda.

Okay guys, we ready? Are we ready, guys? Guys, are we ready?

ARE WE READY?!

YEAH WE'RE READY!

Yeah.

ARE WE READY?!

WE'RE READY!

Yeah...

ARE YOU READY?

YEAH WE'RE READY!

Yeah!

AHHHHHH!

AHHHHHH!!!

YEAH!

AHHHHHHH!

AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

ARGHHHHH!!!

Yeah, we're ready.

Nice armor...idiots.

Owwwww. I didn't even say any-

SHUT UP.

Charge!

(Fight Music)

Oh dear god! It's

exactly the same.

(Snap) The attic!

The attic?

The attic.

(Fight Music)

(ROAR)

(SFX: Roaring; things breaking)

(Mark and Jon laughing)

(Mark, Jon, and Eduardo laughing)

(Fight Music)

(Ghost Laughing)

EDD!

Hang on a tick, did you say Edd?

Um...yeah?

Wait one second, I have to check something.

Blimey, this is a bit of a cock

up, but I have the wrong house.

Oh, I'm so sorry about this.

I'm actually after a Mr. Eduardo

(Evil Laugh)

Hey, stop that you lousy ghost!

(Screams) Relinquish our property!

Do you think we should help them?

Nah.

I'll get you for this, you dirty sons of-

(Music)