Space Face/Transcript

Part One
(A spaceship is crashing into Earth.)

Edd (as Tim Hautekiet): Tom, get that engine working! Tom?!

Matt: He's down!

Edd: Dammit!

Matt: What are we going to do, Edd?!

Edd: I don't know!

(Everyone screams)

Matt: Not the face!

(Opening Theme Begins)

(Ten Hours Earlier, the scene begins with Matt who is walking around mowing the lawn with Edd watching from a bench on the patio.)

Tom: (Hands Edd coke in glass) He's doing something stupid again, isn't he?

Edd (as Edd Gould): Yup.

Tom: (Takes a sip of water from the glass) We know what it is yet?

Edd: Nope, but I'm sure we're gonna find out.

(There is a zapping sound and Matt is gone while the lawn mower keeps moving down the lawn. Another sound occurs and Tom is gone. His drink is left in the air and falls as Edd watches it. Edd looks up and sees a giant spaceship hovering over their house.)

Edd: Yup.

(Edd is transported into a container and falls in midair. Matt rushes to the container, sticks his face up against the glass, and starts talking in a freaked out fashion.)

Matt: Edd, there are aliens that have abducted us and they're probably gonna eat us and I'm too pretty to die!

(Matt gets zapped by a laser gun and drops to the floor. A silhouette of an alien is shown but the screen zooms out to show that Tom is the one who zapped Matt. The alien puts out his hand and Tom Places the gun in it.)

Tom: Thank you.

Edd: (The glass is raised) All right, you alien scum! What do you want with us?!

Commander Bai: Greetings pink skin. I am Commander Bai! Welcome to my ship.

Matt: (Scared) Are you going to eat us?

Commander Bai: What? No. (laugh) Come on, let me show you around.

Commander Bai: This ship is the finest in your galaxy.

Edd: There are other ships in the galaxy?

Commander Bai: Well last time I checked the Sun Chasers of Nima were in this quadrant.

Matt: Those guys sound awesome!

(A purple, three-eyed, four armed creature starts out accelerating very fast toward a sun while screaming.)

Sun Chaser: YeeEAAAAH! Wait.

(burns into the sun)

Commander Bai: Yeah, not so much.

(A sliding door automatically opens letting the gang into the storage unit.)

Commander Bai: This is storage. Here we keep all of our superior technology.

Edd: (picks up a gun) What does this do?

Commander Bai: That is a Normalizer.

(A shot from the gun accidentally hits Tom in the eyes. He suddenly has eyes.)

Tom: Cool.

Matt: (picks up a different gun) What about this?

Commander Bai: Well, that's a laser gun.

(Matt hits Tom in the eyes and burns them.)

Tom: Lame...wait. AAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!

(Edd and Bai stare at Tom scream in pain.)

Commander Bai: Okay, let's go.

Commander Bai: This is the desire room. We go here to relax. It'll shows you the thing you'd want the most.

(Camera shifts to Matt.)

Matt Clone: (Pops out by Matt) Hey handsome!

Matt Clone: (Pops out by Matt) I love your hair!

Matt Clone: (Pops out by Matt) Nice jacket!

Matt Clone: (Pops out by Matt) I can tolerate your existence!

Matt: (Crying) They're so beautiful.

(Camera shifts to Edd. He sees and grabs a marker and he draws a butterfly with it. The butterfly comes to life and then Edd smiles with a grin. After a few strokes, Edd draws a lady but makes a stink face when he sees that she is hideous. He then draws a pair of Groucho glasses.)

(The camera shifts to Tom who is standing next to a Christmas tree.)

Edd: Wow Tom. I guess you wanted to celebrate Christmas all along.

(A container filled with gasoline appears next to Tom.)

Edd: Oh. Tom. No.

(Tom grabs the container in his hands.)

Edd: Tom. Don't do it.

(Tom pours gasoline on the Christmas tree.)

Edd: Tom. Don't you burn that tree down.

(Tom is holding a lighter.)

Edd: Do not burn that tree down!

(The Christmas tree is burning right next to Tom.)

Edd: Ahh, you did it.

(The camera moves to the back of the alien who is standing next to a floating planet. Edd and the group gather around.)

Matt: What's that?

Commander Bai: Home. Let's move on.

(The scene changes. Doors open into the Helm.)

Commander Bai: This is the helm. From here we can control everything on the ship. Watch!

(Commander Bai pushes a button.)

Computer: Gravity off.

(Edd, Tom and Matt raise off the floor. Commander Bai pushes a button.)

Computer: Gravity on.

(Edd and Matt are seen floating in mid-air and then fall, as the camera pans up to show Tom grunting as his hair gets stuck in the ceiling.)

Edd: Hey what's this thing?

Commander Bai: This is the vanity drive. It powers the entire ship.

(Tom falls)

Tom: What?

Commander Bai: Let me explain. Our people are the most attractive race in the universe. We even found a way to convert our self-esteem into more energy. On a group-team mission to pick up space beer, our hyperdrive malfunctioned and sent us deep into space. We spent years trying to find our way home. Overtime we let ourselves go, and could no longer power the ship with our vanity. Ever since then we've been stuck in this galaxy searching for a being vain enough to get us home.

(Edd and Matt tear up.)

Tom: And how's that going?

Commander Bai: Well, we thought we found them on Zogrephos 7, but they turned out to be the most complimentary species.

Pink Complimentary Alien: This ship looks lovely!

Blue Complimentary Alien: Wow, you look great today!

Pink Complimentary Alien: I am so hungry!

Blue Complimentary Alien: Did you cut your hair?

Edd: I still don't see what this has to do with us.

Tom: I think I do.

Edd: What? Oh. Oh...

(credits roll)

Part Two
(The intro plays as normal, but with the addition of many of the letter Ds. Tim Hautekiet's voice is also heard over this.)

Tim: This is Space Face Part 2 (fast) which won't make any sense if you haven't watched Space Face Part 1 so if you haven't already done that maybe you can do that nowwwww. Thank you.

(Cut to a black screen which says "Thank you". After a title card, cut again to Tom and Edd looking at their lawn, with Matt's face cut out in the grass.)

Tom: You know, I really captured his grassyness.

(Commander Bai walks in.)

Commander Bai: Ah, yes, your vanity beacon.

Tom: Our what?

Commander Bai: We couldn't miss it, a signal to let us know about your energy reserves.

(Tom turns his head back in confusion.)

Tom: Huh?

Commander Bai: This "Matt" creature, we believe he holds the key to getting us home.

(Camera moves to Matt at a panel with alien Paul. We get a shot of a voice changer gun. Matt picks it up.)

Matt: I found a thing!

(Matt accidentally shoots the voice changer at Edd, whose voice is changed to a dog barking. Matt shoots the gun again, changing Edd's voice to Eduardo's voice.)

Edd: Well, this isn't my voice. (Matt shoots the gun again, changing Edd's voice to a computer-like noise. After the next shot, Edd's voice becomes dolphin noises. Matt proceeds to shoot the gun many times, changing Edd's voice to random noises constantly. When Matt hits the gun with his fist, Edd's voice coughs, showing he now has a voice. Matt tries the gun again, but proceeds to break it.)

Edd: Aww...

Tom: Really? Matt?

Commander Bai: Yes, only the vainest being on your planet would sake such a monument to themselves.

Matt: Hey! I made that!

(Matt puts his hands on the glass, admiring himself.)

Matt: Oooohhh, I look good.

(The vanity drive activates at this.)

Matt: I really captured my grassyness.

(The vanity drive increases power. Commander Bai is excited by this.)

Commander Bai: It's working! Keep him going!

Tom: Hey, Matt! I don't hate you?

Matt: Yay, I'm popular!

Tom: Well, no, I mean I just don't-

Matt: POPULAR!

(The vanity drive increases power at a rapid pace.)

Commander Bai: Yes! We're so close! Just a little more!

(Matt is overwhelmed with excitement, barely able to contain it.)

Edd: Umm..

(Edd picks up a mirror and places it behind his back.)

Edd: Hey, Matt!

(Matt calms down as he looks at Edd. Edd holds up the mirror and faces it towards Matt, who smiles at his reflection. He also squeals while doing this. The vanity drive is now at full power, causing it to fix itself and activate the ship. Every alien on the ship cheers.)

Commander Bai: You've powered our ship! We can finally make it home!

Matt: (gasps) So, I'm a hero?

Commander Bai: Yeah, sure!

Alien: Err, Commander?

Matt: I saved the day?

Commander Bai: You sure did!

(Pieces from the ship start to fall due to the ship shaking.)

Alien: Commander?!

Matt: I-I'm AWESOME!

Tom: Oh boy.

Alien: COMMANDER!!!

Commander Bai: What?!

Alien: The drive can't take any more vanity! She's gonna blow!

Commander Bai: Quick, humble him!

(Matt is extremely happy to the point of squealing and frantically moving around.)

Edd: We can't!

Commander Bai: Vent the engines! Full warp speed!

Alien: Aii, Aii!

(The alien pulls a lever downwards. Cut to a girl outside looking at the ship. As the ship blasts off at full speed, it causes the girl to be burnt to a crisp. Cut back to the ship, which blasts straight through a planet. Cut to inside the ship, where Edd, Tom, and Matt are stuck to the back of the ship. Edd and Matt are terrified but Tom has a bored face.)

Tom: Matt, remember that time I told you I didn't hate you?

Matt: Yeah?

Tom: I LIED!

Matt: Aww...

(The vanity drive loses a chunk of power, causing the ship to stop. The three fall onto the floor. Commander Bai walks over as Edd laughs nervously. Commander Bai brushes himself off.)

Commander Bai: Come, let me show you the final part of the tour.

(Cut to Commander Bai, Tom, Edd, and Matt at the disposal bay.)

Commander Bai: The garbage disposal bay. This is where we eject all of our unwanted waste into the cold depths of space.

Edd and Matt: Oooohhh!

Commander Bai: And that includes you.

Edd: What?!

Tom: Figures.

(Tom has a sip of his liquor.)

Matt: But, I'm a hero! I powered your ship! With my face! My pretty, pretty face!

Commander Bai: Yeah, yeah, we're all very grateful, time to go.

(The door to the disposal bay opens.)

Edd: You can't do this! We'll fly the ship back home ourselves if we ha-

(The aliens point guns at Edd and Matt.)

Edd: Ohh...

(Commander Bai pushes Edd and Matt into the bay, but they throw Tom, who crashes into a pile of trash. The door closes behind them.)

Matt: Let us out!

Commander Bai: Oh, I plan to.

Edd: Couldn't you just take us home?

Commander Bai: Yeah, we could! Ahahahaha! Goodbye!

(Commander Bai presses a red button, causing him and his alien crew to fall into space, revealing that Edd, Tom, and Matt were actually on the other side.) Tom: Wow, who knew vanity and stupidity were so closely related?

Matt: Hahaha, I don't get it.

Tom: I know.

(Edd looks around.)

Edd: Joyride?

Tom: Yep!

(A montage then begins of the gang joyriding. They begin with Matt and Tom each holding one of two handles to drive the ship while Edd puts his arms up. Cut to a man on Earth who sees the ship. The man is abducted and stands in confusion while the three continue to drive. They stumble upon the planet Uranus, which they fire a lazer into that reads "Butt". They continue to fly through space, seeing many objects on the way. At one point, they encounter Eduardo, Jon, and Mark in an alternative ship. They stare each other down and fly away slowly. Cut to Matt setting off explosions to destroy a planet. Cut again to Tom, Edd, and Matt playing with guns. Tom shoots at Matt, causing Matt's arm to come off. Edd, however, has a healing gun and shoots it at Matt's arm, causing it to regenerate. Tom shoots Matt's arm off again, though. End of montage. Cut to the three laughing to themselves while walking through the ship.)

Tom: We should get abducted more often.

Edd: Heheh, I hear that!

Matt: I heard it too!

(Edd tips his can over to reveal he has no more cola.)

Edd: We should probably get home.

Tom: Awwww!

(Edd sits down in the chair and attempts to drive the ship. He presses two random buttons, causing the vanity drive to completely deactivate. The ship also starts to escalate downwards in direction.)

Tom: Does anyone else feel kind of falling-y?

(The ship increases downwards speed, causing the, to approach Earth very quickly.)

Edd: Guys, we have a problem!

Matt: Are we gonna crash?! We can't crash! I'm allergic to explosions!

Edd: Do something!

(Matt begins to press random buttons out of panic. Tom presses two buttons without question. Edd finds an electric rod, not knowing what it is.)

Edd: Try using this!

Matt: What is it?!

Edd: I don't know, find out!

(He hands the electric rod to Matt.)

Matt: Tom, what do I do?

(He shocks Tom with the electric rod, causing him to launch into a chair and into a control panel. He is now unconscious. Matt drops the rod out of shock. The ship is now almost in Earth's atmosphere.)

Edd: Tom, get that engine working! TOM!

Matt: He's down!

Edd: DAMMIT!

Matt: What are we gonna do, Edd?

Edd: I don't know!

(The two begin to scream.)

Matt: Not the face!!

(Suddenly, the vanity drive activates.)

Edd: YES!

(Edd slams his hand onto a large red button labelled "BRAKES", causing the ship to stop just before they could crash into the backyard. Everyone's faces hit the windshield from the sudden stop.)

Matt: Hey!

(The three roll onto their backs.)

Tom: Okay, I take it back. No more abductions for me.

Edd: You know, you've been pretty quiet today, Tom.

Tom: I am very drunk.

(Edd laughs at Tom's comment while Tom takes a sip of liquor.)

Tom: Hey, Matt?

Matt: Yeah?

Tom: You're alright.

Matt: Really?

Tom: Yeah.

Matt: YAAAAAAAAYYY-

(The vanity drive activates at maximum power, causing the ship to explode.)

Matt: MY ALLERGIES!

(Credits)